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Thursday, January 29, 2015

Answering Your Questions

Dear Readers,

Today we're answering some of the questions you've sent in. The first one says, "Lilly Faye, tell us something we don't know about Frank."

Well, you might be surprised to learn that Frank has great breath! Seriously, it's as fresh as a spring breeze.

Mr. Frank: Thanks, Doll!

Lilly Faye: The second question is, "Why doesn't Alfie ever smile in his blog photos?"

Alfie Cat: I am smiling.

Lilly Faye: Next question, "Frank, what are you giving Lilly Faye for Valentine's Day?"

Dizzie: That's odd, Boss. As your blog intern, I sorted through all the reader questions myself, and I don't remember that being one of them."

Lilly Faye: Hush, Diz. I want to hear Frank's answer.

Mr. Frank: It's a secret. Let's just say, I got something extra special planned for my girl! My sister Ceecee's gonna help me pull it off.

Ceecee: I'm feeling a bit nervous. I hope we don't get arrested.

Lilly Faye: Oh, my! 

That's all for today, folks. Keep those questions coming!

Lilly Faye

Monday, January 26, 2015

Letting the Air Out

Dear Readers,

There's a story in the news of such massive importance to the well-being of the nation, that I feel we cannot overlook it here at the blog. It's called Deflate-gate. It seems someone on one of the teams heading to Sunday's Super Bowl may have broken the rules by deflating not one, not two, but eleven or more of the footballs they used to win the AFC championship game.

Here with me to discuss Deflate-gate are two ball experts, my blog intern Dizzie, and my boyfriend Frank. Welcome, boys.

Dizzie: Hey.

Mr. Frank: Thanks for having me, Doll.

Lilly Faye: We know the footballs in question didn't simply leak a little air, since they were under-inflated by as much as two pounds per square inch. As a frame of reference, I weigh 12 pounds.

Diz, please explain why someone would want to let the air out of their game ball.

Dizzie: A deflated ball gives you a better grip. It's easier to catch, carry, and throw. I deflate all my balls as soon as I get them.

Lilly Faye: You do?

Dizzie: Sure, I'm not ashamed to admit it. The bigger question is, did the perpetrator take the squeakers out?

Lilly Faye: I don't think NFL footballs have squeakers in them, Diz.

Dizzie: Are you sure about that, Boss? The players might be removing them. That's what I'd do. The League should check on that.

Lilly Faye: Frank, what's your position on this issue?

Mr. Frank: I take good care of my balls. I like to keep them looking like new. I don't vandalize them in any way.

Dizzie: Where's the fun in that?

Mr. Frank: It's not necessary to destroy things to enjoy them.

Lilly Faye: All right boys, calm down. You're free to do whatever you want with your own balls.

The point is, professional games are played by a set of rules, and someone broke the rules in an effort to gain an unfair advantage. That's unsportsmanlike conduct, and whoever did it should be ashamed of themselves.

Dizzie: You're right, Boss.

Mr. Frank: Agreed.

Lilly Faye: Let's all remember that when we're watching the big game on Sunday, folks.

Lilly Faye

Thursday, January 22, 2015

Everyone's an Author

Mr. Frank: How's it going, Doll Face?

Lilly Faye: I've been thinking about writing a book, Frank. How does A Poodle's Guide to Dating sound? Literary agents want you to have a platform before querying them about a nonfiction project, so I plan to use my blog as my platform.

Mr. Frank: What a coincidence! I've been thinking about writing a book, myself. Either a cookbook like Mr. Frank's Big Eats, or maybe a memoir about my life as a busker. I've picked up all kinds of interesting stories while busking. I'm sure you wouldn't mind if I used your blog as my platform, seeing as how we're going steady.

Lilly Faye: Well....

Dizzie: You're better off sticking with the cookbook idea, Frank. I'm writing a memoir myself.

Lilly Faye: How can you write a memoir, Diz? You're still a pup!

Dizzie: I'll be two years-old next week, Boss. Besides, I've seen and done a lot already. I could write about my exciting travel adventures, and meeting movie stars. After all, I've reported from New York Fashion Week, the Westminster Kennel Club Dog Show, the Oscars, the Emmys, and the Golden Globes. I'll bet I could get Meryl or Clooney to write an introduction for my book. Of course, I'll use the blog as my platform, since I work here.

Alfie Cat: I plan to write my own expose´about you clowns, if anyone is interested. It will be a down-and-dirty, behind-the-scenes look at what really goes on at the blog.

Lilly Faye: What do you mean, Alfie? We're not hiding anything. What you see is what you get at the blog.

Alfie Cat: Don't delude yourselves. I know where all the poop is buried.

Cali: I'd like to write a book called A Dog's Guide to Self-Protection. I'd offer sensible guidance to help folks stay safe. My first piece of advice is to adopt a dog. I hope you don't mind if I use your blog as my platform, Lilly Faye, since we're best friends.

Lilly Faye: Sigh. Ceecee, we haven't heard from you yet. I suppose you want to write a book, too.

Ceecee: I'd like to write a cozy mystery about a sweet little Calico cat who knits in between drinking tea with milk and solving crimes. I would include my own knitting tips, and easy-to-follow instructions for a simple knitting project at the end of the book. Cozy mystery readers love crafts almost as much as they love mysteries.

Lilly Faye: Well there you have it, Dear Readers. I guess it's true, everybody wants to write a book.

Lilly Faye

Monday, January 19, 2015

Lazy Afternoon with Frank (a movie)

Dear Readers,

Some of you have asked for a movie of Frank and me. Here's a little video I made of us spending a lazy afternoon together. I hope you like it.

Lilly Faye

P.S. If you are having trouble viewing the video above, you can use this YouTube link:

Lazy Afternoon with Frank

Thursday, January 15, 2015

Managing Expectations

Lilly Faye: How has the new year been for you so far, Frank?

Mr. Frank: It's too cold. It's hard to busk when my lips freeze to my tuba, and people just want to hurry in and out of the stores.

Lilly Faye: Why don't you take a few weeks off?

Mr. Frank: I'm trying to earn money for a special occasion.

Lilly Faye: What about your chef's skills? Have you thought of selling baked goods instead of busking?

Mr. Frank: I've asked around at a few restaurants, but they say there's no demand for my broccoli muffins or my black bean cakes.

Lilly Faye: Black bean cakes?

Mr. Frank: They look just like chocolate cake, but they're mostly fiber, so they're better for you.

Lilly Faye: Well, maybe you don't need as much money as you think you do, Frank. Simple pleasures are the best.

Mr. Frank: Do you really mean that, Doll?

Lilly Faye: Of course I do, Frank.

Mr. Frank: Thanks, Doll Face! What a relief! I was afraid you were expecting a fancy Valentine.

Lilly Faye: Wait, you mean we're talking about Valentine's Day?

Monday, January 12, 2015

Dizzie Goes to the Golden Globes

Dear Readers,
Dizzie, my blog intern, is just back from attending Sunday's Golden Globe Awards, and he's here today to give us the inside scoop!

Lilly Faye: Welcome back, Diz. First, tell us how this all came about.

Dizzie: Remember Chad, the young reporter from the television show Scandalous Hollywood Insiders Tonight, who interviewed me at the jail after last year's Academy Awards?

Lilly Faye: When you were arrested for running off with Pharrell's hat at the Oscar after-party?

Dizzie: I wasn't arrested, Boss. A bunch of us guys were temporarily detained for a few hours. It was all a misunderstanding, and we got it straightened out.

Anyway, Chad remembered that I'm pals with George Clooney, and his television show offered to pay my way to the Golden Globes this year. They wanted me to mix and mingle, and get a dog's-eye-view of the evening's festivities. I accepted, of course. Clooney was being honored with the Cecil B. DeMille Award for lifetime achievement, and besides, I hadn't seen him since his wedding in Venice!

Lilly Faye: I'll bet George was surprised to see you.

Dizzie: He sure was! I didn't get to spend as much time with him as I'd hoped, though. Turns out, Amal is the jealous type.

Lilly Faye: How so?

Dizzie: She kept trying to cut in between George and me.

Lilly Faye: Well, they are still newlyweds.

Dizzie: I'm just saying, she'd better give George some space, or that marriage isn't going to last.

Lilly Faye: There were so many big stars at the Golden Globes, what else can you tell us?

Dizzie: Brother and sister Jake and Maggie Gyllenhaal came as each other's date. They were so supportive of each other, just being around them made me miss my sister Nettie.

Lilly Faye: I was watching the show on television, and I noticed Jennifer Aniston appeared to have a little trip or stumble when she got up from her table to present an award. Do you think that was the champagne?

Dizzie: No, that was me. I was lying by her chair, and she almost fell over me. 

Lilly Faye: It's good you cleared that up for us!

Dizzie: Meryl was really enjoying herself, even though she didn't win. She kept running her hands through my hair and saying, "You're a nice doggy. Who let you in?" I think it was the champagne talking.

Lilly Faye: Really?

Dizzie: I had a nice chat with Helen Mirren, who was nominated for her movie, The Hundred-Foot Journey. It's about restaurateurs. Helen said she thinks Frank would really like it.

Lilly Faye: We should put that one on our watch list.

I thought Tina Fey and Amy Poehler did a bang-up job opening the show, but then they disappeared until it was almost over. Did you see them backstage? What were they doing all that time?

Dizzie: You should ask Prince about that, Boss. I'm sworn to secrecy.

Dizzie: Okay, thanks Diz. I know our readers appreciate your behind-the-scenes report.

And there you have it, folks. Our congratulations to all of this year's nominees and winners. Well done!

Lilly Faye